Magical Idol
by Weeping Willows
Summary: Oliver Wood: More singers, more failures and more… Gilderoy Lockhart! Weekdays, seven to eight on your Weally Wunderful Wizawds Watcher! Remember… more Gilderoy!
1. Hogwarts

Magical Idol 

Chapter one: Fifth Years of Hogwarts

_Welcome to the second season of…._

_Magical Idol!_

_Our first judge is the writer of the bestseller called 'What's My Name'… Gilderoy Lockhart!_

Gilderoy Lockhart: *sniff* I am honored to be judging another season of Magical Idol and hopefully we will find that some of you can actually sing

Our second judge… and no killing please Voldemort… *Lord Voldemort slips his wand back into his robes*… prefect and top of her class…Hermione Granger!

Hermione Granger: Wait! You're making me sit next to **him**?

Gilderoy: I'm hurt, I really am…

_Our third judge _from_ whatever rock he's crawled out from, please welcome You-know-who!_

Lord Voldemort: No autographs please

…And our host…Gryffindor Team Former Quidditch Captain… Oliver Wood!

Oliver Wood: We auditioned basically all the students of Hogwarts and then sent the promising ones to the great hall. Hermione was already there, encouraging and giving out helpful hints. Gilderoy of course came fashionably late on his new Firebolt. The judges were going to listen to the auditions in the antechamber, which was once used to talk to the Triwizard Champions a year ago. 

* Ronald Weasley walks in*

Voldemort: Oh, this should be fun.

Hermione: Hi, What's your name?

Ron: Don't be silly 'mione. You know my name.

Hermione: *irritated* It's procedure.

Ron: Who cares? No one is listening, anyway.

Hermione: _I_ know your name but the other judges don't.

Ron: What's my name?

Voldemort and Gilderoy: Ronald Weasley.

Hermione: How did you know?.

*Voldemort and Gilderoy point to the 'I LOVE RONALD WEASLEY' sticker on her Transfiguration notebook. *

Hermione: *turning red* Uh yes… carrying on… what are you going to sing?

Ron: *turning red as well* Oh… uh… Blue Moon…

Gilderoy: *yawning* Well carry on then…

Ron:

*Looking into Hermione's eyes*

_Blue Mo-o-o-n._

_You saw me standing al-o-o-one._

_Without a dream of my o-o-own._

Without a love of my o-o-own. 

Hermione: *dreamily* He's got my vote.

Voldemort: *dreamily* and mine… * noticing everyone's stares * What???

Gilderoy: *at Voldemort* I don't want to know *at Ron* you have a very good voice but I didn't **feel** it so… last year I told a man that he was the worst singer in-

Hermione: Are you kidding me? He's wonderful!

Gilderoy: All right! All right! I was just practicing! *At Ron in a bored tone* Congratulations, you are going to MollyWood.

*Molly Weasley pops into thin air*

Molly: Did someone call my name? Did you get it dear?

Ron: *Ears turning red* Mu-u-um!

Molly: Ooh sorry! Good luck, Ronnie!

*Molly vanishes*

Voldemort: Ronnie?

Gilderoy: I mean, congratulations. You are going to the Haunted Woods!

Ron: Yes! YES!

*Runs out of the room screaming 'Yes'*

OUTSIDE:

Oliver Wood: And this is Mary-Sue, a former contestant of Magical Idol, who is our corresponding reporter. She is from Texas!

Mary-Sue: Hey Y'all!

Oliver: And this is Pansy Parkison from Slytherin. Pansy, why do you want to be Magical Idol?

Pansy: Because, I believe in world peace!

Oliver: Can you sing?

Pansy: No-o-o.

Mary-Sue: Can you dance?

Pansy: No-o-o.

Oliver: Ehem… I see…

*Oliver and Mary-Sue fidget uncomfortably*

BACK TO THE JUDGES:

*Pansy enters*

Voldemort: Hey, what's your name?

Pansy: *fake accent* Hey all you dawgs! I'm Princess Dawggy!

*Hermione groans*

Princess Dawggy: Shuddup, Granger!

Hermione: That's not your name.

Princess Dawggy: Shuddup, Granger!

Hermione: *meekly* Okay

Gilderoy: Bored now.

Voldemort: What are you going to sing for us today?

Princess Dawggy: World Peace.

*Judges stare in silence*

Gilderoy: Um… okay… is it an original?

Princess Dawggy: It's an orig-wha?

Gilderoy: An orig-y-nal! You know, written by Princess Dawggy.

Princess Dawggy: Written by wha?

Voldemort: By you!

Princess Dawggy: Uh…No…

Gilderoy: Just sing it!

Princess Dawggy:

*Sings world peace at the tune of I Will Survive*

_Wo-o-o-rl' Peace!_

_Wo-o-o-rl' Peace!_

_Wo-o-o-rl' Peace Rox!_

Wo-o-o-rl' Peace! 

Voldemort: That's it! I've had it! **Avada Kedavra**! 

*Pansy dies*

Gilderoy: Thank god! Someone take this carcass away!

*Neville scurries in, picks up Pansy, scurries out*

Hermione: No?

Voldemort: No…

Gilderoy: Definitely no… *scribbles on pad*

OUTSIDE:

Oliver: …and now we're out with…

Mary-Sue: A bleh -blay- bluh-

Blaise: Blaise Zabini.

Oliver: Ah yes… Now Blaise, is it? What a nice name!

Blaise: Thank you, my granny named me…

Mary-Sue: So uh… Your name can be used by both genders? I mean… people can get confused by it…

Blaise: Yes… I suppose… but I think my gender suits it best…

Oliver: And your gender is-

*Mary-Sue nudges him*

Oliver: Uh- I mean… Have you been singing long?

Blaise: Yes. Ever since my mother sent me to a private nursery school.

Mary-Sue: Ah! Private schools are never coed are they?

Blaise: No… at least… not mine…

Oliver: Well anyway… do you have any special people in your life? Any girlfriends? Boyfriends?

Blaise: Heh heh… no… I'm not allowed to date either… and … I'm not gay?

Mary-Sue: I see… well thank you, Blaise…

*Mary-Sue and Oliver walk away*

Oliver: Twenty sickles, it's a her.

Mary-Sue: Deal

WITH THE JUDGES:

*Blaise enters*

Gilderoy: Hello… who are you?

Blaise: I'm Blaise Zabini…

Gilderoy: *stretches out* what are you going to sing for us, Blaise, is it?

Blaise: Unchained Melody.

Gilderoy: Very good…

Blaise: 

_O-o-o-h my lo-o-ove_

_My darl-e-e-en_

I've hungered for your to-u-u-uch 

*Gilderoy holds up his hand*

Gilderoy: I'll say it to you straight, are you male or female?

Blaise: *starts crying* I- I- I can't believe you said that! No one understands me!

*Blaise runs out*

Hermione: Well?

Voldemort: Yes.

Gilderoy: No.

*Both look at Hermione*

Hermione: It was good for a woman but bad for a man, what am I supposed to say?

Gilderoy: I guess we'll never know…

OUTSIDE:

*Blaise runs out*

Oliver: What happened?

*Blaise looks at him, then looks at the camera*

Blaise: Gilderoy is such an *******! I can't ******* believe it! He is a ******* ******* and I he thinks he can ******* say whatever he ******* wants! We'll he can just ******* kiss my ******* ***!

Oliver: Um… okay…

Time passes and the judges can't seem to find any good singers at all in Hogwarts. Is it a lost cause? Next: The boy-who-lived. Is he the boy-who-answered-the-judges-wishes? Stay tuned!

Singsong voice:

When you need a good voice,

And you don't have a choice.

Watch Magical Idol instea-a-ad

Oliver Wood's voice: More singers, more failures and more… Gilderoy! Weekdays, seven to eight on your Weally Wunderful Wizawds Watcher!

*music*

Pretty girl: Mommy Mommy! Can I have a wand?

Mommy: No darling, you're too young.

Father: Why not buy her a bawand?

Mommy and girl: A bawand? What a wonderful idea!

Deep Voice: Bawand is a magical way to cast spells and not get hurt.

Little voice: Recommended for ages 3 and up. Each sold separately. Magic not included.

*end of music*

Welcome back to Magical Idol and here are our judges:

Gilderoy: How about a break?

Hermione: How about giving them actual constructive criticism?

Voldemort: How about I kill both of you and hide the bodies?

Hermione: NEXT!

Gilderoy: **I'm** supposed to say that!

Hermione: Is it written anywhere?

Voldemort: Shut up both of you.

Gilderoy: Who died and made you lord?

*Voldemort and Hermione look at him*

Gilderoy: Point taken.

Hermione: But I still think-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: but I-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: This isn't ve-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: I'm-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: I-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: fi-

Voldemort: -ah

Hermione: You can stop now-

Voldemort: -ah

Gilderoy: I-

Voldemort: -ah

*Gilderoy growls and shuts up*

*Hermione as usual opens her mouth to argue when she sees Harry*

Hermione: Oh hi Harry!

Harry: See this! I don't want this! I don't want it! I didn't ask for this! I told you! You should treat me like everyone else, Hermione! I already told you!

Hermione: I just said hi, Harry.

Harry: Exactly!

Hermione: So what do you want me to say?

Harry: Um, Uh… what's your name?

Hermione OK... Um, Uh… what's your name?

Harry: Not like that!

Hermione: Ok then, What's your name?

Harry: Not like that!!! Do it properly!

Hermione: Then tell me what to say, Harry! ******* tell me!

*Everyone gasps*

Hermione: Uh oh.

*Professor Dumbledore and all other teachers march in and start taking points of Gryffindor*

OUTSIDE

Oliver: *head pressed to the door* I think…

Mary-Sue: Can you hear anything?

Oliver: Hush up, woman! How can I hear anything with you freaking out?

INSIDE

Harry: You can come out now Hermione

*Hermione crawls out from under the table*

Voldemort: *fiddling with his wand and wondering whether or not to kill Harry* What did you do that for?

Harry: Can I sing now?

Gilderoy: Sure… whatever…

Harry:

Only you can make this world seem right  
Only you can make the darkness bright  
Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do  
And fill my heart with love for only you

Hermione: Yes!

Gilderoy: Yes!

Voldemort: Congratulations, boy. Your singing almost made me not want to kill you…

*Harry smiles*

Voldemort: …almost

*Harry's face falls*

Gilderoy: But anyway… congratulations… You're going to the Haunted Woods!

Harry: Yes! YES!

*Runs out screaming 'yes!'*

BACK WITH THE JUDGES:

*Draco Malfoy enters*

Voldemort: What is your name, Draco, Son of Lucius Malfoy who is currently in my service killing thousands of innocent Muggles?

Draco: My name is Draco, my lord.

Voldemort: Shhhh! You're giving us away.

Draco: I'm sorry.

Voldemort: I'm sorry- what? Show respect!

Draco: I'm sorry, my lord

Voldemort: Shut up!

Draco: Yes, my lord.

Voldemort: Avada-

Hermione: Wait! Not yet!

Gilderoy: Draco, what are you singing today?

Draco: I'm singing Are You Lonesome Tonight by Elv-

Voldemort: You traitor, singing a Muggle song! Avad-

Hermione: Not yet!

Draco:

Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?   
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?   
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

*Draco starts stripping*

Hermione: I'm bought

Voldemort: *resentfully* I'm not

Gilderoy: You don't have to strip anymore, Draco

Hermione: Wait! Yes you do!

Gilderoy: You're going to the Haunted Woods.

Draco: I am? I am? Yes! YES!

*Runs out of the room screaming 'yes!'*

Voldemort: That was rude

*Draco runs in again and kisses Voldemort hand*

Draco: Thank you, my lord!

*Runs out screaming 'yes!' *

Voldemort: That's better

Gilderoy: I would have preferred him kissing **my** hand!

*Voldemort sticks his snaky tongue out at Gilderoy*

Hermione: *mutters* suck up

OUTSIDE:

*Draco runs in screaming 'yes'*

*Draco runs out again*

*Draco runs in screaming 'yes'*

Oliver: You got it?

Draco: Yes! YES!

*Draco looks at camera*

Draco: Gilderoy, I love you!

Mary-Sue: *pouts* You don't love me?

Draco: Yes I do…

*There was silence*

Draco: Did you know I'm a heir to a mansion with more than a hundred house-elves under my command?

Mary-Sue: Re-e-ally?

Draco: Uh-huh and…

BACK WITH THE JUDGES:

Gilderoy: No

Hermione: No

Voldemort: No

*Neville Longbottom leaves looking crestfallen*

Gilderoy: NEXT!

Gregory Goyle: Hello, m'lord

*Gilderoy groans*

Next Week: Will the judges find someone worthy of being Magical Idol in the fourth year? Next week! Same magic time, same magic channel!


	2. Diagon Alley

Chapter Two: Diagon Alley

Finally after going through all seven years, the judges proceeded to Diagon Alley. 

Oliver: We are here in Diagon Alley and wouldn't you believe it, it's fifty percent more crowded than as usual. As this is one of the last stop, people from all over the world have flown all the way to try out.

Mary-Sue: However, many of them will be disappointed.

Oliver: For sure…

_The judges are happily settled in Flourish and Blotts, hoping to find some good singers._

*Doris Crockford enters*

*Doris Crockford leaves*

Hermione: Please, sit down…

Gilderoy: What's your name?

Hermione: What are you singing?

Gilderoy: That's wonderful!
    
    Hermione: Congratulations, you are going to the Haunted Woods…

Voldemort: Who are you talking to??!! She's gone!

Gilderoy: Bit slow, aren't you?

Voldemort: _Slow_? You mean, like, _slowly_?

OUTSIDE:

Mary-Sue: Our next contestant is the-

Minister Of Magic: You can call me Fudge.

Mary-Sue: Ok, _Fudge_. You're the Minister Of Magic aren't you?

Minister Of Magic: Well… yes…

Mary-Sue: *licks lips* I _love_ fudge. It tastes delicious…

Minister Of Magic: *stammers* Yes… well…

Mary-Sue: …the way it melts on my tongue…

Minster Of Magic: Where in Texas did you say you live?

Mary-Sue: Can I call you Fudgy?

INSIDE:

Gilderoy: NEXT!

*Fudgy enters*

Hermione: It's the Min-Min-

Gilderoy: Yes, we _know_.

Hermione: I want to talk to you about my scholar-

Gilderoy: Not now! …Ok then, let's start…

Voldemort: Ooh! I'll do it! *Turns to Fudgy* so… what's your name?

OUTSIDE:

Mary-Sue is having a breakdown and as much as I'd like to show it to you, we signed an agreement stating that we will not abuse any of our staff's-

*Padfoot howls*

Except him. Now let's go back…

INSIDE:

Fudgy: This Kis-s-s! This kis-s-s! It's the way you love me, bab-y-y-y 

Gilderoy: That's enough.

Fudgy: Did I get it?

Gilderoy: No.

Hermione: Yes!!!

Gilderoy: *mutters* suck up

*Both look at Voldemort*

Voldemort: *playing with rubber ducky* …and Mister Ducky says… *noticing everyone's stares* chicken?

Gilderoy: That's a no?

Voldemort: Yes?

Fudgy: Yes!!!

Gilderoy: He didn't say that! He said yes that I said he said no…

Voldemort: *nodding at Gilderoy* Yes.

Fudgy: See! He said yes again!

Gilderoy: No! He said yes that I said he said yes when I said he said no… Hermione?

Hermione: Yes?

Fudgy: Even she says yes!

Gilderoy: Goddamn it, man! She's saying yes that he said yes when I said yes that I said he said no. Right, Hermione?

Hermione: Yes.

Fudgy: There you-

Gilderoy: YOU BLOODY IDIOT! SHE SAID YES THAT SHE SAID YES WHEN I ASKED HER IF HE SAID YES WHEN I SAID YES THAT I SAID HE SAID YES! NOW GET OUT!

Fudgy: *scared* Well, all right. But I'll make sure that you pay for what you have done to me.

* Fudgy stomps out*

Gilderoy: Only that we'll get paid, instead of paying…

Hermione: I hope he's a better Minister Of Magic than a singer…

Voldemort: *looks up from his rubber ducky* That was the Minister Of Magic?

_The judges had not found one person eligible to be Magical Idol… until a special friend comes in? Don't go away! We'll be right back!_

Singsong voice:

He-who-must-not-be-named!

Hermione and her toy troll!

Gilderoy in shame!

You get to see them all!

Oliver Wood's voice: The auditions are finished and the game begins! Weekdays, seven to eight in your Weally Winderful Wizawds Watcher!

*music*

Pretty girl: Mommy Mommy! Can I have an invisibility cloak?

Mommy: No darling, you're too young.

Father: Why not buy her a tinvisibility cloak?

Mommy and girl: A tinvisibility cloak? What a wonderful idea!

Deep Voice: tinvisibility cloak is a magical way to be invisible and not be invisible!

Little voice: Recommended for ages 3 and up. Each sold separately. Invisibility not included.

*End of music*

Welcome back to Magical Idol and here are our judges:
    
    Fleur:
    
    Cast of the shackles of yesterday!
    
    Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
    
    Our daughter's daughters will adore us!
    
    And they'll sing in grateful chorus!
    
    Well-done sister suffragettes!
    
    Voldemort: *drooling* Yeah baby!
    
    Gilderoy: *drooling* All right!
    
    Hermione: *drooling* zzz
    
    Fleur: I am in, no?
    
    Gilderoy: As much as I hate to say it, we need a yes or no from Hermione. It's procedure…
    
    Fleur: Hmmm… Can you please 'urry up? I am late for my pedicure…
    
    Voldemort: You go ahead… We'll do it…
    
    Fleur: Thank you, my lord…
    
    Gilderoy: Congratulations, you are going to the Haunted Woods!
    
    Fleur: Yes! YES!
    
    *Runs out of the room screaming 'yes!'*
    
    *Hermione wakes up*__
    
    Hermione: Do we have that on tape?
    
    Voldemort: I love it when she calls me 'My lord'…
    
    Gilderoy: Yucky thoughts! Yucky thoughts!
    
    *silence*
    
    Hermione: Does anyone else smell something?
    
    Voldemort: Sorry… I tend to do that when I get excited…

Hermione: Who's next?

Voldemort: A woman named Arabella Figg…

Gilderoy: Stupid name.

Hermione: Of course it is. Nothing at all like yours, _Gilderoy Lockhart_.

Gilderoy: Nothing at all, _Hermione Granger_.

Voldemort: Shut up, both of you.

Hermione: _Voldemort_

Gilderoy: _Tom Riddle_

Voldemort: Ick…

Hermione: *smug* So don't you talk about na-

Voldemort: No… Ick… There's something licking my toe…

Gilderoy: It's the grim!

Hermione: No! It's Sirius!

Voldemort: Seriously?

Hermione: Se- Ah! I know what you're doing!

Gilderoy: Stupid clichés…

*Arabella enters*

Arabella: Hello Gentlemen

Voldemort: Hello, Arabella Figg.

Arabella: _You're too big?_ Oh no, lad. You might be creepy but you're not big so don't worry your head about it.

Gilderoy: He said, Hello, Miss Figg.

Arabella: _You miss Fin?_ Is Fin the girl you are courting?

Hermione: Oh! Never mind!

Arabella: You can never_ find _what, dear?

Hermione: I said, never mind…

Arabella: _You misplaced your behind?_

Hermione: Ugh!

Arabella: Well, No need to be rude, dear…

*Arabella pulls cat out of her purse and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her pockets and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her other pockets and sets it on the ground*

*Arabella pulls out a cat from one of her _other_ pockets and sets it on the ground*

Gilderoy: All right! All right! No more cats! Keep them to yourself, please.

Arabella: Ooh…but this one really wants to come out…

*She reaches into her hat, pulls a runt of a cat and puts it on the ground*

*Padfoot eats it*

Arabella: Now, where did she go?

Hermione: Just sing!

Arabella: _Ping_? You're name is _Ping?_ Hello… Ping. I know you, you're Harry's friend!

Gilderoy: Sing!

Arabella: Ding? I named one of my cats, Ding…

Voldemort: SING!

Arabella: Why didn't you say so?
    
    What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh
    
    
    What's new, pussycat? Whoa-oh oh
    
    
    Pussycat pussycat ,
    
    
    I've got flowers and lots of hours
    
    
    to spend with you.
    
    
    So go and power your cute little pussyca
    
    
    t nose
    

_What's new pussycat?_

_Whoa! Whoa!_

_What's new pussycat!_

_Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!_

_Pussycat, pussycat!_

_I've got flowers and lots of hours,_

To spend with- 

Hermione: I can't bear it anymore!

Arabella: You can't hear anymore? I thought you might have some problems dear. You couldn't understand what anyone was saying.

Voldemort: Go away!

Arabella: _What did I say?_ I said, Ping's hearing is-

Gilderoy: LEAVE!

Arabella: _Deceive?_ Deceive who?

Gilderoy: GO! GO!

Arabella: Well, fine then! Acting so nice and suddenly telling me to leave! Youngsters, these days…

Gilderoy: Wait! Don't leave your cats!

OUTSIDE:

Oliver: How do you feel, Miss Figg?

Arabella: _What colour is teal?_ Well, dear-

Mary-Sue: Did the lamb fit?

Arabella: _How was it?_ Oh it was…

*Arabella looks at her, then looks at the camera*

Arabella: Gilderoy is a ******* *******! I can't believe he ******* told me to ******* go away! He can just ***** my ***! He is a ****** *******!

*She leaves in a huff*

Oliver: I am stunned

Mary-Sue: Although, I am perfect and always expect everything… I am stunned…

*silence*

Oliver: I never knew you could speak old-lady…

Mary-Sue: One of my endless amounts of talents…
    
    _NEXT WEEK: MORE GILDEROY! AND YOU VOTE FOR YOUR FAVOURITES! NEXT WEEK ON… MAGICAL IDOL!_


End file.
